Ye Olde Blog Find #17

31Mar10

So this next post is actually the 1st half to the one prior. Sorry about stuffing up the order of them, but at least it will read better on the page layout haha. It’s one of those bog standard relationship application forms, only I added some rhetorical and absurd questions, which end up reading more like statements over actual questions for someone to reply to.

Enjoy it however. As with the last post (or part 2, below this on the website page), I won’t bother actually foot-noting the piece, just putting it up here cold-turkey edit.

—

21 Feb 2007
Pseudo-Re-Edited Girlfriend Application/Resume
Current mood: Hopeful

Okay, given that my blog counter is all of about 25-30 reads away from topping my profile views counter – and even though there’s only all of 3-5 comments on the blogs (and NO ONE had a go at my lyrics one, dammit!) – I’m going to gravitate to assuming that some people that are reading these are skimming but not doing much else. Which is fine, but some things evolve and are more fun with some participation. I don’t expect you all to get any of the lyrics, but even a comment on one of the many blog posts would be nice. Sorry about my snooty mood, the alarm system at work was annoying me and I almost punched it through the imitation wall separating the porn section from the newsagent section. Still, I digress. It’s not what I’m here for now. I’m 3 beers in and it’s hot, so I’m posting once again. And I don’t know what yet so I’m gonna make something up. Uh, yeah, ok…

Alright, so I’m gonna go with a kind of, sort of, pseudo-like, pretty much usual, widely reaching  ‘GIRLFRIEND APPLICATION/RESUME.’ Or at least a loosely bound together series of inane, off-usual-topic questions one wouldn’t assume from a normal questionaire. This is gonna be totally random I do warn. It’s not so much a simple form as me telling you what I like and what’s hot – to me. Does that make me shallow? Maybe, but I guess if it were, I’d love me and no one else.

* The general basic type stuff that isn’t very fun and let’s just cut it back some more:

- OL-SKOOL! ASL? Name too (but shorten it because I won’t remember it!) and please be old enough so I don’t fear getting nearly arrested. Again! Hahaha! I guess I’d prefer if you were a female for the ‘S’ part of ASL, mainly because I’m not into dudes. Except for me. Sorry.

- B’day? Because it’s the only thing I’ll recall – so expect gifts on it.

- Hair? Redhead, redhead or redhead? Seriously, my Krypotonite is red hair. Brunette or black is also good. But I love all hair. Or no hair! But not the sick, “I have no hair because it fell out,” sort. I like being the sick one. Seriously though, I couldn’t care less.

- Eyes? Preferably so you can see and I’m not leading you around everywhere. One of the first things that gets me is a girl’s eyes. And smile. And personality. Full stop, big f-ing exclamation points – PERSONALITY! I guess this question should be “Are you un-funny and stupid?” I don’t care about eyes and hair, seriously.

- Piercings/tattoos? Hot! Depending of course. Within reason of not being so far out that even I’m weirded out. I work with porn. If you can make me uneasy, that’s not really a good springboard.

- In one stereotypical word, place yourself in a ‘hemoginized world’ pocket of society (eg: punk/rocker/emo/goth/champagne floozy/Billboard club STD infector/bogan etc).

* Usually titled ‘OTHER’ everywhere else, but again, I’m going to ask more than the question wants to help define it better:

1. Do you drink and/or smoke? I’d prefer a non-smoker because I don’t enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke on my clothes and bedsheets, let alone in my mouth. A better statement and question would be (outside of the smoking issue): I continue to consume alcohol until I can possibly drink no more or someone begs me to stop (usually I won’t). So the question becomes, can you drink copious amounts of alcohol and party predominantly/or would you prefer a few quiet ones over a longer night and have physical relations with a half sober person? Again, this isn’t so much a question. I love to be a party person (mainly the holder-togetherer nexus one), and therefore most often choose to forgo performance of later night bedroom activities because it greatly bores me (except for the giving part). So I guess 2 questions here. Do you drink like a fish? Do we REALLY have to have sex all the time?

2. Do you value cuddling? I have said previously that I can’t sleep properly with someone lying next to me. And have been challenged. So let’s clarify. I can’t have someone sleep next to me on top of my arm all night. I can’t lie cuddling ALL night. Back to back after some time is ok. Or if I’m drunk. I prefer feeling in my extremities, thanks.

3. Do you end up in relationships with guys who treat you badly often? Okay, the late Bill Hicks once sang: “Hitler had Eva Braun, Manson had Squeaky Fromme, Ted Bundy got lots of dates, I wonder what I’m doing wrong? Chicks Dig Jerks.” I’ve noticed some tendancy for nice girls to gravitate toward ‘meat-heads’ and that’s okay. I just don’t need to hear about your regrets later on. You wanted it before. You got it and maybe you didn’t like it. I’m not perfect either but at least I can sometimes treat someone better than I can myself.

4. What would you say is the best thing about yourself? If you say, “I once shot 3 Cowboys then danced on a table at Seven nightclub, I was SOOO wasted,” I will personally remind you that you are dragging down the level of intelligence that I’m convinced the world is capable of. If you can say, “I drank 15 Jack & Cokes and pashed Har Mar Superstar at the Price of Wales,” or “I love St Jeromes, Pony, Charltons and Rue Babylon all in the same night, and still wanted to keep going,” then PLEASE say so!! Arghhh, there’s too many try-hard Chapel st type Hilton poster children scuttling about to be a progressive step in evolution! Ahem, so what’s the best thing about yourself?

5. I once took LSD at a party; drew and wrote on a double door fridge, danced, drank, partied and slept for an hour with a pencil in my hand against said fridge near sun-up. Now I occasionally see dots in my peripheral vision at obscure and totally infrequently random times. Would that annoy you much?

OKAY THESE BELOW ARE STUPID AND I DON’T NEED ANSWERS BECAUSE THESE ARE NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT/FUNNY QUESTIONS TO BE REQUESTED:

- Do you think school is a good thing? How often do you take books out of the library? Are you bisexual? Do you ever say stuff like, “that’s so retarded” or “that’s so gay”?

* Oooh, the ‘What Would You Do If’ questions:

- I tried to grab you, throw you against the wall, and kiss you passionately:
- I said I liked you:
- I bit your shoulder or neck:
- I came to your house during a rainstorm, soaking wet:
- We got in a fight:
- I mocked you for a second or two:
- You had a boyfriend who treated you badly and I confronted him:
- I said I worked in a porn shop:
- I asked you to partake in downing Bacardi 151 shots:
- I said I’d only prefer a physical friendship arrangement (unless you smitten me):
- I said I only prefer giving rather than receiving:
- Does my bum look big in this:

* The ‘Would You’ list:

- Tell me the truth no matter what:
- Buy me a birthday gift that I could never afford (or vice-versa):
- Lie to make me feel better:
- Put up with a lot of crap from me and not complain:
- Let me call your cellphone in the middle of the night:
- Dance with me in public when nobody else is dancing:

* Oh shit, it’s the ‘What Do You Think Of My’ list (hahha, here we go):

Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Sense of humor:
Choice of music:
Manners:
Friends:
Decisions:
Taste in girls:

* Tail-enders:

- Are you serious about being my girlfriend:
- Is there anything you didn’t tell the truth on:
- Is there anything else I should know:

Well, seriously, that’s not really what I can call the best of questionaires. But it’s okay. I don’t expect any actual replies. The next one I post will be a ‘I Like/Am/Did/Done/Prefer/Think questionaire,’ which hopefully will be better to not so much fill in, but get a better idea of what I’m after/what I’m like.

—

So that was me in 2007 then. A lot seems to have changed. Some hasn’t. That’s the point of finding these things and whacking them up. When I finally start adding fresh, new content, I think all these will show how I came from there to where I am now. Or not.

Filed under: Uncategorized   |  Leave a Comment